Boundaries
“Good fences make good neighbors” – Robert Frost Mending Wall
Being in relationship is a fundamental part of being a member of society. From daily interactions with work colleagues to family dynamics, casual exchanges with strangers to in-depth connections with romantic partners, we are always relating. One key component of interacting is how we define ourselves in relationship to others — boundaries. When smooth and easeful, we tend not to think too much about them, but in all types of relationships, we inevitably face challenging situations. In scrappy, sticky, crunchy and trying moments, it may be tough to communicate our feelings, needs, thoughts and sentiments.
I am an enthusiast about healthy, hearty, and holy relationships, not necessarily an expert on boundaries. My curiosity has led me to contemplation, consideration and implementation of boundary techniques. With some review, we can sharpen boundary skills that build awesome relationships — starting with self-awareness.
Self-reflection, emotional awareness and maintaining healthy boundaries are ways to productive & constructive, even flourishing relationships. With a focus on boundaries, let’s examine the role healthy boundaries play in our lives.
What is a boundary?
There are a variety of definitions:
something that indicates bounds or limits; anything that marks a limit.
boundary, border or frontier share the sense of that which divides one entity from another;
something that indicates the farthest limit, as of an area;
It’s easy to see boundaries in terms of property lines, country borders and sports rules. When it comes to interpersonal dynamics, the boundary lines are often invisible, hidden or altogether unknown.
With boundaries, and only because of them, we can have unlimited expression. Boundaries create separation which invites healthy union, space which is comfortable and authentic. Space & separation — how do they inspire connection? Having the space to define ourselves leads to self-awareness and personal sovereignty. Two sovereign individuals can establish a viable and compassion interdependent relationship.
Separation just might bring people closer together. Ah, a good old paradox — separation allows for integration; divisibility invites union; individuality fosters community.
In this context, a boundary is a clear space, where ‘you’ (and others) begin and end. Boundaries are rules, principles and values that come from everyone’s life experience. They are conscious & unconscious, mutable & rigid, conditioned & free formed. Some are healthy, integrated and expressed with calm, cool resilience, while others are malformed, erratic and melodramatic.
Boundaries separate our thoughts & feelings from the others’ thoughts & feelings; and by so doing, they stabilize each person mentally, emotionally and physically.
There are different types of boundaries: material, physical, mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, financial and time. All of which may have their own parameters and must be defined (and expressed) by each individual.
How are boundaries useful?
To build boundaries requires introspection & discernment of personal values and tolerances. On a personal basis, this means deciding the appropriate life-work balance, eating properly, getting enough rest, learning to self-regulate thoughts, emotions and actions. Internal observances are the seedbed of a principled life: what we believe & why, who we want to be in the world and why what we find & do is meaningful. By being clear headed and calm hearted, a sense of identity, self-respect and personal sovereignty is established.
Setting and sustaining boundaries is not necessarily easy and often gleaned through making mistakes.
Each of us are responsible for defining and implementing them. Some people think boundaries jeopardize relationships, create conflict and/or undo tension. Delineating space can be misinterpreted as stonewalling (as an aside, when it is intentional stonewalling, it is detrimental to relationships). It is important that individual boundaries & needs are communicated to foster healthy relationships and avoid misunderstanding or worse.
Lastly, articulating boundaries builds confidence and invites greater harmony within and without.
Why boundary setting is important?
Creating and upholding healthy boundaries is an act of self-love honoring and respecting ourselves. Boundaries invite accountability for thoughts & actions. They unhook us from being responsible for other people’s thoughts & actions. Responsibility and accountability build trust, fuel interdependence and improve self-worth. Because everyone’s needs are different, we have opportunities to find empathy in diversity.
By setting firm, yet friendly boundaries we invite others to respect and integrate the same. By modeling these attributes, we encourage others to consider and build their own boundaries.
In relationships, boundaries work as the compass for what is “ok” and “not ok.” Learning to clearly define and compassionately share boundaries becomes crucial for mature, intimate and harmonious interactions.
Think of the front of a house, i.e. walls, windows, doors, landscaping, &c. Depending on the person, timing and situation, different boundaries are implemented. For example, someone’s house might have the front door ajar and windows open. Another may have the blinds shut and a no trespassing sign in the yard. With appropriate boundaries we can be friendly neighbors.
If holding or receiving boundaries is new, they will feel unusual at first. Respect for someone else’s boundaries is key, even though you may not understand why.
Assets of Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries come from a place of (self-) love. Compassionate communication and mutual respect are indicators of functioning boundaries. There are many positive byproducts of accepted boundaries:
Respect & non-judgment.
Minimized frustration.
The ability to compromise.
Better able to communicate emotions.
More energy/avoidance of burnouts.
Enhanced communication, empathy and trust.
Improve self-respect and confidence.
Ability to respond rather than react.
Mutual sovereignty — preserve personal and social integrity.
Personal empowerment — responsibility for self and actions.
Can avoid being manipulated, used, violated, or taken advantage of.
Comfortable when saying and hearing “no.”
‘Power with’ as opposed to ‘power over.’ Mutual understanding of personal sovereignty.
More fulfilling relationships. Comfortable with self and others.
More stability and agency over our lives.
Perils of Unhealthy Boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries are fear driven and often create high levels of stress. Lack of respect, tension and general discord are indicators that boundaries are not defined and observed. When boundaries are not functioning well, there can be many difficult consequences:
Resentment, frustration, anger, overreacting, blaming others, wasted time, increased stress.
Disempowerment — not taking responsibility for self or actions.
Let other people define you.
Expect others to satisfy your needs.
Feel a sense of responsibility for other people’s needs.
Constantly put other people’s needs and feelings first.
Going against personal values in order to please others.
Powerless — allowing others to make decisions for you.
Not speaking up when others treat you unfairly.
Inability to say or hear “no.”
Feeling bad or guilty when you say “no.”
Over giving/over taking.
Touching without permission.
Six Ideas to Establish Healthy Boundaries
1) Permission. You have the right to set boundaries. They act as a filter for what is acceptable and what is not. Give yourself permission to have them.
2) Start Small. This means something easy like getting enough rest. When in the middle of doing something, feeling free of any obligations to stop and help others.
3) Limits. Name your limits and take responsibility for them. Use “I statements.” Example: I need space. I don’t like that. I’m not ok with that. “When I wake up in the morning, I need 45 minutes of quiet” rather than, “Don’t talk to me in the morning.”
4) Assertiveness. Clear, firm and kind. No need to justify or get emotional (although you might at first — remember you have permission). If your boundary triggers someone else to an emotion reaction, that is their stuff.
5) Seek stillness and support. When your boundaries have been breached, take the necessary time & space without undue pressure from others. This will vary depending on the context of the situation. Trust yourself to define who youare and what you need.
6) Consequences. Let others know when they have violated a boundary or acted inappropriately. If your boundaries get crossed then consequences can be established. This means being ready to follow through. If you don’t follow through, trust has been diluted, self-respect disregarded and integrity sacrificed. Frustration with crossing boundaries is likely if a firm and kind resolve has not been established.
No
When choices are made we are simultaneously saying “Yes” and “No.” When we choose one thing (“Yes”), we are in turn saying “No” to something else. When we give ourselves permission to say “No,” then we can authentically say “Yes.” Saying “No” is an act of freedom. The sentence “No” is enough; and we do not need to explain it.
You have the right to privacy: not sharing, being left alone, asking (or not) for help, and/or responding when you don’t want to.
Healthy ways to say No:
I’m not in the space to have this conversation right now.
I prefer not to discuss that right now.
Please respect my boundary.
No. And I don’t want to argue about it.
That’s personal/private; and I don’t care to discuss it.
That is my business; and I’ll take care of it, but thank you.
I understand what you want, and yet it’s against my values, and so I will not do it.
I’ve said enough; and I don’t want to discuss it anymore.
Let’s discuss this at another time.
I am uncomfortable with this conversation.
I don’t particularly care for that, thank you.
More Examples (Telling others what to do, it is likely to lead to resistance, opposition or conflict. As in these examples, make statements in which you state what you will do if the other person does not respect your boundary.):
If you keep yelling, I’m going to hang up.
Name calling is not ok. This conversation ends if name calling continues.
I’m not going to help you, if you make fun of me.
If you don’t stop texting me, I’m going to block your number.
If you keep talking like that, then I am going to leave.
Sports Analogy
Boundaries are necessary for safe, enjoyable and creative interactions. It is because of boundaries that we have open expression. Sports have wonderful examples. All major sports have rules and most of them have demarcations for what is “in”, and what is “out” of bounds. There are things that are permissible and others that are not.
Take soccer. Play takes place “in bounds” within a certain area (saying yes). “Out of bounds” is out of play (saying no). The game temporarily pauses when the ball is out of bounds. When other lines are crossed, like the goal line, points are scored. Within this contained space, infinite expression is possible. Almost anything can be done, as long as the “rules” (what could be seen as mental or philosophical boundaries) are observed. Soccer is a great example because the boundaries are clear and rules relatively basic: you may hit the ball with anything but your hands and tackling someone too roughly can incur a foul or worse.
Soccer has penalties when certain rules are broken and even ejections and suspensions. Sometimes the ball just goes out of bounds — clear and simple. Other times players can be penalized when things get too aggressive. A warning with a yellow card would be raised (“please stop, otherwise...”). If these actions continue, further punishment may ensue such as a red card, which would mean ejection and possible banning from the next game (“go to your room and think about what you’ve done”). Eventually the players will return to the game, hopefully a bit reformed, cautious and with a deeper understanding of the rules.
Conclusion
Boundaries are not meant to keep people out, they are meant to promote healthy relationships, strong communication, foster respect & interdependence, and encourage empathy and understanding. We are allowed to be as we are; and they are allowed to be as they are.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a practice, a practice of emotional intelligence and self-respect.
