Don't Just Do Something
In the new-age (wellness, personal growth, yoga) communities, the term “holding space” is often heard. This idea is floated regularly, almost casually at times, as if it’s common place. Even though many have a sense of what it means, it’s a complex & nuanced term — and is worth unpacking a bit, especially through the lens of listening. I mean, how can we actually hold space? And why should we care?
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“Don’t just do something, stand there.”
This quote, often attributed to the Buddha, scratches the surface on the notion of holding space — or being a “container.” It suggests that we become a witness for others in their process. By being a witness, we provide a safe & empathetic space for others to transform, without interference. To be a stabilizing force, a pillar of support, a space holder for others, patience and presence are needed.
A useful place to start is with the concept of sacred space. At its essence, sacred space is an intentional energy that evokes a feeling of safety and comfort for people to explore emotionally. Non-judgment, respect and confidentiality are attributes of this space. It is an energetic and psychic intent, held by two or more people so that vulnerabilities may be expressed. This type of space, agreed upon in advance as a sacred pact, can be a huge benefit for the personal development of the participants in need.
Holding space means being with someone during the deep & dark, nasty & uncomfortable, difficult & vulnerable times with empathy, non-attachment and non-judgment — no big deal! The space holder’s role is to be a safe, impartial, stabilizing force so others may go to the edges of their experience. With a keen sense of awareness, we can monitor our inner reactions and respond with a centered calm.
One core component of holding space is listening.
Listening
‘Doing’ in this context means listening — not reacting, evaluating, or trying to soothe[1]. This means to allow the person to be exactly as they are so they can find solutions themselves. This poised & graceful disposition asks us to be nonattached,[2] centered (by being aware of our own inner experience[3]) and slow & thoughtful when responding.
When deeply listening, we allow for the ‘process’ to unfold and a sacred field of personal inquiry to be generated. We become their rock. Being with someone as they ‘process’ lets them know they are not alone and encourages personal discovery. We can connect deeply by witnessing, refraining from sharing our story and following up with empowering questions.
The active listening technique is simple and has many benefits.
The Active Listening Technique
Let the other person talk as long as they need to. Listen without interrupting.
Keep a neutral and soft expression on your face. Try not to smile, nod or “hmm hmm.” Let them flow.
Listen for: feelings & needs to help the speaker find meaning; content & context, what and how they are saying things; what is unsaid; and always be mindful of what is coming up mentally and emotionally for you.
When they settle, simply “say back” some things you heard. “What I heard you say was...” Do your best to share key phrases, repeated words, or strong sentiments.
When you’ve finished “saying back,” ask them, “Did I hear you correctly?” “Is there anything you would like to clarify or add?”
Now that clear communication has been established, some useful prompts to go further:
What do you think you can do about it?
How have you worked through these sensations before?
What healthy habits have helped you mitigate the emotional woes?
How can I help?
Again, employ the say back. This listening and responding encourages self-inquiry and personal empowerment.
At first, this listening technique might feel weird. That is normal — it’s part of the learning to listen process. This practice of listening is empathy in action.
By listening in this way, a container with loving boundaries has been created. The speaker can grow into greater autonomy and the listener is safe guarded from becoming drained.
Benefits of Listening
Acceptance. Accepting someone, exactly as they are, all at once, without judgment, builds trust, empathy, and compassion. Acceptance is a healing balm for someone struggling.
Feeling Heard. When we listen without trying to change someone, they can ‘feel heard.’ This is an acknowledgement that who they are, in whatever psycho-emotional state, is worthy.
Sovereignty. When someone can express themselves without commentary, feedback, or criticism, they can access their own inner wisdom. Hearing oneself candidly can provide great insight.
Listener Learning. When listening without reacting, “holding space,” we allow for our own discomfort to arise. Patience and contemplation are virtues developed by deep listening.
Empathy. When we listen, we can connect with their feelings. Empathy is an invitation for intimate interactions and true human connection.
Clarity. The say back ensures understanding — prevents miscommunication. The speaker can clarify so the listener can understand. Moreover, so they can understand themselves.
Personal Discovery. Candidly hearing oneself can lead to personal discovery, revelation, or “a-ha!” moments of transformation.
Personal Work
Continually working one’s own personal process allows for a deeper expansion of holding space[4]. This means to accept and learn from life’s discomfort. By befriending fear, anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, etc. they can become our teachers. These emotions are not wrong or bad — it’s ok to feel and acknowledge them.
Many spiritual traditions & philosophies posit that all feelings are entry points into the divine, all are valuable, worthy and precious. The process shifts to connection and understanding, rather than elimination.
As we stretch our personal boundaries, become more harmonious and understanding of all our feelings, we become more inclusive, empathetic, and compassionate. Listening to ourselves while listening to others is a wonderful learning opportunity. We can respond more easily when we don’t just do something and stand there.
[1] Not trying to alleviate pain may seem strange at first. For those of us big-hearted people, listening without responding has a way of deeply soothing.
[2] It’s normal to feel attached when it’s someone we love, triggered when the issue involves us or the anxious to alleviate their pain (to fix). How can we not be attached when it is someone we love? What about when their issues involve us? How can we listen without judgment and the desire to fix? When someone is in pain, how are we not supposed to help? What can we do?
[3] When we try to cheer up someone who is depressed, we limit our ability to empathize. This attitude may also be an indicator that we have trouble with discomfort.
[4] A practice for container stretching: Journal about every “bad” emotion and un-bad them.
